Dreams and Fears before Retiring

Before I retired, I had strange dreams--old men in elevators beckoning me. Should I get on? Would I ever get off? Also, since I had to drop my younger daughter off my health care plan as it was too expensive--and my older daughter's health insurance was non-existent at that point--I had dreams about wading through knee deep water trying to get to a Kaiser Facility and find my daughters. Couldn't I stay one or two more years. Actually, I couldn't--or it would have taken a Herculean effort at that point. I had taught for over 27 years at community colleges. My neck was constantly hurting from grading papers. I would get home and do traction off my bathroom door. I heated up neck warmers in the microwave and had them on constantly. At work, I took the elevator everywhere--even one floor up which I had never done before. Sometimes we know when the body/mind has had it. We hope that we can see and feel those limits, before disease sets in--before cells break down.I didn't want to get sick. I knew that I would continue to work part-time somehow--but I had to leave my job and somehow re-imagine my life. I was lucky to have a pension but money would be tight.

I have an over-active imagination and perhaps my anxiety was a bit over-the-top, but I've heard from many others who had moments of panic, "good grief" as they played over their money situation--grown children situation (will I have some money to help them in this bad economy), health care situation--and for some--the question of "Who Am I now?"

I also dreamed of doing what I loved. Writing. Writing. I remembered all the journals I used to carry around in my twenties, recording my thoughts and feelings. I wanted the luxury of more time. I would work on my novel again. I would take hikes in the great outdoors with my husband. We would visit museums. And for some money I would teach classes part time. These dreams kept me going when my body/soul felt depleted
But those five months leading up to the big decision to leave a stable job--was fraught with obstacles--outer and inner. When I finally signed the papers--I felt both terrified and released.

Some of us have harder times with transitions--but for all of us, leaving a job can be difficult. As I took my body (which was starting to feel disconnected to my soul) to the social security office--as I played with my calculator incessantly trying to figure out--Can I do this?--so many thoughts and feelings went through my mind How could I calm myself (yoga--meditation--hikes and dreams of a different life). I know everyone can't retire--especially in this economy. And many of us who do retire, go back to work at least part-time.

I'm gathering small anecdotes of those who are on the verge of retiring--or have recently retired--a kind of journal to help those on this journey.